Chapter 1 Avengers Distracted

Featuring Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Hawkeye, Spider-man & The Wasp.

The Avengers were formed to do many things, alas one of those was not playing poker on a Friday night; but that is what they have chosen to do.

Somewhere deep with The Avengers Mansion a card game is under way. Hawkeye enters the room with drinks for everyone, using Captain America's shield as a tray.

Captain America: Oh, Hawkeye, I told you not to use my shield as a tray.

Hawkeye: Oh relax Cap, it won't break. Here we go boys. A Miller Lite for Cap, a martini, poured not spilled, for Mr Stark, a Pepsi Max for the ceiling fan ( gives drink to Spider-man), a flagon of mead for thunder pants (gives drink to Thor) and (sitting down) a Speckled Hen for me. Who's bet is it?

Captain America: Oh, for Pete's sake, use the coasters will you, that's what their there for!

Spider-man: Your turn Hawkeye!

Hawkeye: I'll go 10.

Captain America: I fold.

Iron-man: I'll see that 10 and raise you 20!

Thor: The Knave doth side with the Snoweth Queeneth againeth and the High Lord weepeth bitter tears. I relinquisheth mineth hand!

Spider-man: I think he's out - but I could be wrong! I'm not fluent in gibberish!!

Hawkeye: You think I'm bluffing don't you. But I ain't, not this time. See that 20 raise you another 10.

Captain America: That mask must be stuffy young man; here take it off and put these on!

Captain America throws a pair of sunglasses to Spider-man . Meanwhile the game continues.

Iron-man: See that and raise you 50!

Spider-man: Yes Sir.

Captain America: And don't call me sir!

Spider-man: Yes Mam!

Captain America: What happened??

Iron-man:He folded! Pot's mine I think.

Suddenly the door opens and in marches the ever-fragrant Janet Van Dyne, otherwise known as the super heroine Wasp, and she is no mood to take any back talk from anyone.

Wasp:(Walking in) Yes, yes, I know this is your....

ALL: Wasp!!!

Wasp: ...room for tonight but She-Hulk and I are going to Bloomingdales for an exhibition and I don't want you boys wrecking the Mansion like last time.

Captain America: Jan, we're responsible people - we know how to behave.

Wasp: I'm not sure; in my experience men and drink don't mix very well. Especially when those two idiots (indicating Spider-man & Hawkeye) get together, anything can happen. Speaking of which. You (turning and confronting Spider-man), had better not walk on the ceilings again. You know Jarvis can't reach that high. Anyway I can't hang around here, I'm off. Oh, by the way Cap why did you fold, you had a winning hand.

Captain America: JAN!!

Spider-man: (Whispering): Hey, Clint, watch this

Spider-man quickly webs Jan's skirt to her waist exposing her little thong number!

Captain America: What? What happened then?

Iron-man: What usually happens when spiders meet wasps - trouble! Time to deal flag face!

Thor: The Waspeth's new costume is mostest becomingeth!

Captain America return to dealing the cards, silently counting how many he's given out.

Spider-man: Anyway, we going to finish this list or not. Who's got it?

Captain America: I think this is most irregular and demeaning to women.

Hawkeye: Oh, fer crying out loud - listen to him willya - New Man?? - him who was born in 1920! Women didn't even have the freaking vote then!

Captain America: OK, I have it but I'm doing it under protest.

Cap reluctantly puts down the pack of cards and picks up a piece of paper lying in front of him, with a heavy sigh and sour distasteful look.

Iron-man: Duly noted, eh, would you mind refreshing my mind with the title again.

Captain America: NO!!! The title was not my idea!

ALL: Oh, go on Cap, come on!! Speak ye enon! (Best guess, but I think that's Thor).

Captain America: OK. OK. OK! Enough! The title of tonight's list is...

Pause .....

An even longer pause .......

Still the same pause .....

A new pause, or maybe it's the first one resumed, no, no, I was wrong, I think it's a new one .........

Spider-man: Is she being dramatic or is she just a slow reader???

Hawkeye: Come on Cap, spit it out.

Captain America: OK, here it is! (Sighs heavily and then very quickly) The-Top-Ten-Super-Heroines-I-Would-Most-Like-To-Screw!!

Thor: Forsooth! Thy speakest with the troll-tongue varlet! Thou art Loki in disguise - have at thee....where be'st mine hammer???

Iron-man: You're sitting on it! Something about needing to touch it regularly. And sit down, it's just Cap being modest!! What are we up to?

Captain America: Well, at number 10 we have The Black Widow*.

*Reformed large chested ex-Russian super-spy who likes to wear a tight black costume

Captain America: At Number 9 we have The Black Cat*.
*Reformed large chested lady burglar who likes to wear a tight black costume, with a plunging V-neck. Hmm - perhaps one can begin to detect a common theme emerging here.

Hawkeye: Hey, Spidey, how does she swing around with that heavy top load?

Captain America: Oh, don't be juvenile about this. It's bad enough reading it out! Number 8 She-Hulk.

Thor: Aye. Verily a wise choiceth!

Captain America: Yes, thank you for that Thunder God. Number 7 The Lady Sif!

Thor: Whateth??? Lady Sif here?? Where be my helmeteth???

Spider-man: Relax, sit down, he's still reading the list. Jeez Louise, for a God you sure are jumpy!!

Captain America: I shall continue. Number 6 we have Scarlet Witch.

Hawkeye: No, no no! I disagree with that. We said 10 girls we'd like to screw not 10 freaking hex-weirdoes!! Fer crying out loud, she's married to a walking vibrator.

It is a mild, almost semi-profound, understatement to say that The Scarlet Witch has a long and complicated history. Possessing strange Hex powers she started her career as a villainess, and the object of her brother's obsessive controlling behaviour (hmm, less said about that the better), before she graduated to being a heroine and a long term team member.

Things became even more stranger, yes it is possible, when she fell in love with The Vision; an android with bright red skin. We shall draw a veil over their love story, their marriage, and their two off-springs. I urge you, gentle readers, to go back and re-read that last sentence and to luxuriate and fully imbibe the insanity of it.

Captain America: Stop that. She's a fellow Avenger for heaven's sake. Anyway it's too late, we've already voted. Now any suggestions for number 5?

Iron-man: What about Phoenix - Jean Grey?

Hawkeye: Come on, let' stick to the living! What about Madam Web*?
*An aged psychic with a face like an elbow soaked in water sucking a lime.

Spider-man: WHAT?? Are freaking crazy? Have you seen her up close?? She's older than Galactus!!

Hawkeye: No, not the old one! The new one!

Captain America: Is there a new one? I didn't know that. Well, since so few of us have met her she's disqualified!

Iron-man: What about Emma Frost?

Hawkeye: What is it with you and the X-men? You in the wrong group buddy? Anyway, I don't think she's gonna stick long as a super-heroine.

Thor: Mr Hyde.

There is a long silence.......a long one.......a really long one.

Unfortunately Thor seems a little confused, Mr Hyde is a grotesque and hideous super-strong villain who has often battled the Thunder God.

Spider-man: Say What??

Captain America: (Slowly a light dawns) Uhm, I think fellow-Avenger, you may still be nominating for last weeks list - 10 Most Stupidest Super-villains.

Thor: I (Pause) withdraweth the nominationeth!

Spider-man: What about Sue Richards of the Fantastic Four?

Captain America: Sue? No, I can't see her as sexy - she's the Doris Day of the super-hero set.

Spider-man: Who the heck is Doris Day?

Captain America: For Pete's sake - don't you know Doris Day?

Spider-man: Nope, never heard of her.

Hawkeye: (Picking up on what Spider-man is doing) Nah, me neither!

Captain America: Oh you must've heard of her. She was in Pillow Talk!

Hawkeye: I didn't know you watched gay porn Cap? I thought you spent your down time polishing your shield!

Captain America: Don't be childish - it's not porn! You must've heard of Calamity Jane, with all those great songs! It was a big, big hit!

Spider-man: What kind of songs? If you sang a few bars maybe I'd remember!

Captain America: (Singing) ♬ Oh! The Deadwood Stage is a-rollin,.. ♬

Hawkeye: It'd be a whole lot better with actions!

Captain America: (Getting up and starting to dance) OK - here it goes, I don't how you boys ever missed this -

♬ Oh! The Deadwood Stage is a-rollin' on over the plains, ♬

♬ With the curtains flappin' and the driver slappin' the reins. ♬

♬ Beautiful sky! A wonderful day! ♬

Spider-man and Hawkeye make a huge effort not to laugh, stifling their smirks behind their playing cards.

Captain America: (Continues singing)

Hawkeye: I'm confused, who's crack does she want to whip? Are you sure this isn't more gay porn??

Spider-man: Hmm (Rubbing his chin) sounds kinda familiar.

Hawkeye: Do you know any other songs from it?

Captain America: Yeah here's a big favourite. (Continues to dance)

♬ I just blew in from the windy city, The windy city is might purty.. ♬

Spider-man and Hawkeye are creasing over trying not to laugh.

Iron-man: Alright boys knock it off! Sit down Cap - they're just winding you up! Who's bet is it?

Spider-man: (Turning to Captain America) Maam - it's your bet!

Hawkeye: Yeah Doris, get on with it.

Hawkeye: Hey Spidey - you heard the latest track from the Jean Grey Tribute Band?

Spider-man: Oh yeah! (Both sing)

♬ We're slutz with nutz, we're slutz with nutz, oh yes we are!! ♬

♬ Squeeze our nuts coz we're sluts, oh yes we are!! ♬

Thor slams his hammer on to the table & sends chips, cards & drinks flying.

ALL: Thor!!

Captain America: Oh, look at the mess you've made. Get that off the table will you!! And you stained the carpet. We're using chips to bet - like these ( holding up a plastic chip) - I gave you some earlier on. You can't have lost them all?

Thor sits down and picks up a plastic chip with curiosity.

Thor: These? Me thought they be personal snacks. I…..(pause) I have eaten mine!

Spider-man: OK, OK. Here, have some of mine. Let's just get on with this. (He passes some chips to Thor).

Thor: My bet be 20.

Iron-man: You're bluffing! I raise you fifty!

Thor: Me foldeth!!

Hawkeye: Me too! Man, that's too rich for me!

Iron-man: Read 'em and weep boys!

Hawkeye: God, he get's it every time. Go, on Cap deal.

Thor continues to hold onto his cards.

Captain America: Thor, can I have the cards please. The game is finished, I need to deal.

Thor: Didst I winneth?

Captain America: No, thou didst not! Oh, sugar, he's got me doing it now!

Spider-man: Humm, Mr Tin-Top, I don't suppose you're helmet is switched on now, is it?

Iron-man: Might be. Why?

Spider-man: Oh, nothing, just idle curiosity. Hmmm, your helmet wouldn't happen to have microphones in it, would it?

Iron-man: What's your point, boy?

Thor: The pits of distresseth doth gurgleth in mineth stomacheth!

Spider-man: Well, if you had microphones, see, you could like sample our voices when were speaking. (Iron Man silent) I'm not saying you would, but if you did sample the voices, you could… sort of like… perhaps maybe… analyse them.

Hawkeye: Cap, you sure, this list is right?? She-Hulk is kinda high at number 8 for a woman with a big ass. Screwing her would be like putting a banana in a washing machine!

Captain America: Oh, for heaven's sake Hawkeye, she's a fellow Avenger! You can't lust after a team-mate!

Hawkeye: I don't lust after her. That's my point! And I don't lust after team-mates....

Iron-man: And why would I do that?

Spider-man: Oh, no reason. But maybe, you could analyse it for sort of, stress, you know, and hummmm.... perhaps know when so someone was telling (Pause) … lies...

Iron-man: Where're you going with this?

Suddenly the significance of the conversation between Spider-man and Iron Man begins to dawn on Doris Day.

Captain America: Now hold on! Let's not make any wild accusations.

Spider-man: Oh, no wild accusations, just a bit of idle speculation. See, if you could do all that, you'd know when we were bluffing. See, I've been keeping count. Of the last 9 hands you've won, 7 were when you faced down a bluff. Kinda of funny ain't it.

Hawkeye: What? What? Of course that's it!! You miserable Son of a bitch! You freaking copperhead! I oughtta drill you another asshole! ( Jumping on Iron Man).

Cap desperately tries to intervene between Hawkeye and Iron Man.

Captain America: Now, hang on boys! Stop! Stop that Hawkeye!! Hawkeye, that's a direct order, take your foot of his chest. For heaven's sake he's a heart-patient!

Hawkeye: You lousy miserable card-shark! I'm gonna pump the freaking oil out of you!

Wasp: (Coming down the corridor): Spider-man!!!! You miserable cockroach! I've been showing my freaking ass all over Bloomingdales. You're dead you filthy...(she stops and spots the piece of paper on the floor) And what the hell's this list??

Captain America: Uh, Wasp I can explain that! (Struggling with Hawkeye) It wasn't my idea, they made me do it!!

Wasp: I can't believe it, YOU did this!! AND I'm not EVEN ON IT!!!

Spider-man: Time for adieu, I think!

He swings away whilst Hawkeye is stomping on Iron Man with Captain America trying to hold him off.

Spider-man: Perhaps I'll go back to playing with the Fantastic Four, at least they don't cheat!

Thor: Me'est feeleth the venometh of the dreadeth Darketh Serpentest welleth upeth....ooohhh foocketh!!! Hugghhhhhhheeeyyyyyyy!!

Thor does the technicolor yawn, revealing to the other team mates what he's been nibbling on.

Wasp: Oh my God! That's disgusting! I'm not mopping this up! (Storming off) It's all yours Cap!

Captain America: (Sighs) I wonder if super villains ever have this much trouble!

* * *

Chapter 2 At Home with The Galacti

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Featuring Mr & Mrs Galactus and Mrs Darkseid.

Off all the villains in the Comicverse one stands tall and proud in a purple skirt ensemble and splendid helmet – The Mighty Lord Galactus. He feeds on the core energy of planets, and woe betide the civilisations that are destroyed with his merciless and ceaseless eating. But even the Great Greedy One enjoys some down time with his spouse, Mrs Galactus.

Mrs G: (Ironing) What do you want for your tea?

Mr G: What have we got?

Mrs G: I've got a small planetoid!

Mr G: Is it lifeless?

Mrs G: Well, they were up all last night praying to their Gods and sacrificing virgins! Should be finished by now.

Mr G: Why do they bother with all that none sense? I mean, I'm a Deity and have I ever helped anyone?

Mrs G: Oh, I don't think you're a deity dear, more of a Demi-god?

Mr G: Demi-God? Are mad Mrs G? A Demi-God? I'm beyond that - that's those losers in Asgard.

Mrs G: Well, didn't that funny little bendy man* say you were a force of nature?
*Lady G is referring to Reed Richards, also known as Mr Fantastic of the Fantastic Four. A more self-satisfied and preening group of do-gooders and moaners one is unlikely to meet.

Mr G: A force of nature? That's bloody stupid! Forces of nature don't have sentient intelligence? How many exploding super-novas wear a uniform? Or have a health-policy for their Heralds? Or an ecologically-aware approach to the universe?

Mrs G: I'm just saying what I heard.

Mr G: And what, pray, does Reed, I'm-so-bloody-clever, Richards know?? Thieving little git.

Mrs G: Anyway - what do you want for your tea?

Mr G: I'm not really hungry! I picked something up while I was out.

Mrs G: You'll ruin your appetite snacking on asteroids. Look at you?

Mr G: What? These? (Patting his large belly) These are love handles. I'm not in a bad shape for a being who's as old as the Universe.

Mrs G: Yes, - and you're expanding right along with it.

Mr G: Maybe I should do some exercise? What do you think dear?

Mrs G: EXERCISE!! EXERCISE!! You want some exercise you can unblock that bleeding Cosmic Sluice. The mess you make in there. The undigested remains of a thousand civilizations, that's what causes the problem.

Mr G: I'll look into it tomorrow. (Pause) Sex.

Mrs G: Not now dear, I'm doing the ironing.

Mr G: No, us. We could have sex - that'd be good exercise.

Mrs G: (Thinking) Hmm - sex eh? Haven't done that for awhile. No, it's too embarrassing for people of our status.

Mr G: What do you mean embarrassing?

Mrs G: Well, none of the other boys do it. And isn't it funny they're all men. You've got The Beyonder, he's a man. Then there's The Stranger, Eternity and all those Watchers - they're all men. And then there's Preacher and the Living Tribunal, all bloody men. Funny that. All those butch men hanging around with no women. I wonder what they get up to?

All of these characters are God-like beings in the Comicverse with incredible powers and of all these entities, the most surprising, and really quite pointless, are The Watchers. An alien race self-tasked to record the history of the Universe but not to interfere in it, although they are constantly breaking this rule. However, some have noted, the act of observing is in itself worth observing, which raises the unique conundrum,' Who Watches the Watchers'.

Mr G: I'll be sure to ask them next time I see them........I wonder what's on the telly....

Mrs G: Well if you don't want any tea I'm off down the shops before they close.

Mr G: If you're going that way could you pop into the Repair Shop and get the Ultimate Nullifier fixed.

Mrs G: That bloody thing broke again! I don't why you bother with it.

The Ultimate Nullifier, a surprisingly small weapon, in fact so small Mr G can't even hold it, is capable of destroying the entire Universe. Yes that's right; a weapon which destroys everything! Including the user! One has to wonder what brain could conceive of such a device. Perhaps the same brain which includes a lever in laboratories capable of destroying the whole facility. It's such a useful device and totally responsible; it's a surprise we don't see it included in more household appliances. For that time when you must, just absolutely must, destroy it. Look now on this reading device, see if you can locate the 'Press to Destroy Device' button; you never know when you may need it.

Meanwhile Mrs G has met her equally demented friend Mrs Darkseid, wife of the super villain Darkseid.

Darkseid, a rock-like creature and Supreme Ruler of Apokolips; a dark and dread place filled with vast boiling pits continuously belching smoke and fumes. A depressing and dreary place which has knocked the sunshine out of Mrs D and reduced her to a screeching super-powered Cosmic hag.

Mrs G: Hello Mrs D.

Mrs D: Hello Mrs G. What've you been up to?

Mrs G: Been down the Repair Shop again - getting this sodding thing fixed.

Mrs D: Oohhh, what is it?

Mrs G: The Ultimate Nullifier, bleeding broke again, isn't it. Heaven knows why he wants it, can't ever use it. Don't even know why he bloody made it.

Mrs D: I know, defies logic. Making a thing that'd blow everything up. Madness, sheer madness!

Mrs G: What've you been up to?

Mrs D: Getting the old man's tea in. He's such a fussy eater. And always in the middle of the night. Never at a regular hour. I said, "Uxassy, why can't we eat at 7 like everyone else". But does he listen? "BE QUIET, YOU FEEBLE-MINDED WOMAN!!!!" he says. Has to eat in the middle of the sodding night.....and me with my migraines.

Mrs G: Oooohhhh, aren't they any better?

Mrs D: How can they be? - all those sodding pits, boiling away, day noon and night. Does my nut in!

Mrs G: I know, it's awful....awful.

Mrs D: Never you mind, at least you've still got your old man.

Mrs G: And what good does it do me? Completely bloody useless!! My mother said, 'Don't marry a Force of Nature', but did I listen? Did I? Did I?

Mrs D: Did you?

Mrs G: Course I bleeding didn't! Like an idiot I married him.

Mrs D: Mine's no better. Always its power, power and more sodding power! Never has enough. Wants to run the bleeding Universe, him what can't even put his dirty socks away. And the Anti-Life Equation - what's the point of it? I ask you 'what's the bleeding point of it'? And you should see the state of the bed-sheets in the morning, bloody grit everywhere! It's like sleeping with a cement-mixer.

Mrs G: One of the New Gods? Hah! Same old bloody habits. I had a disaster with my Unstable Molecules bed-sheets. Did a hot wash on them and they came out as a sentient blob. Wanted to take over the Universe.

Mrs D: Don't they always! (Sigh) I wish, for once, they'd just go down the pub for a pint!

Mrs G: Had to ask the old man to put it down. Wouldn't stop talking about it all night - a right bleeding misery guts he was.

Mrs D: And what's my old man going to do when he's in charge? Statues! Great bleeding statues of himself, everywhere! I can't stand it, I just can't stand it. All those sodding pictures of him around the house, makes me want to vomit!!

Mrs G: Yes - he's not the most pleasant looking man.

Mrs D: Ohhhh! Don't start me on that! At least yours got skin-colour - mine's a bleeding stone-face.

Mrs G: Hmmmm, - he does look like a garden patio. I always thought he'd look nicer with a hat.

Mrs D: A Hat, Mrs G? A Hat? More like a coal sack! Always marching around issuing orders and making demands, and me with my asthma.

Mrs G: Ohhh, isn't it any better?

Mrs D: How could it be? Living in the Pits of Apokolips! I said, why don't we get some smokeless fuel - but would he listen, would he heck!

Mrs D: (Continues) 'BE QUIET, YOU FEEBLE-MINDED WOMAN!'. And always talking in great bloody capitals and sodding exclamation marks - does my bleeding head in, I tell you.

Mrs G: Mines not much better. Fifteen billion years of wearing purple - I ask you. Is that normal?

Mrs D: Normal? Normal? They don't know the meaning of the word.

Mrs G: Got him a nice black thing, one-piece, made him look ever so slim. But would he wear it? Would he heck! Said it clashed with that thing Eternity wears. Clash? Clash? I ask you - eating great bloody sodding planets and he's worried about colour-clashing. What a bleeding pillock!

Mrs D: Oh, I know what you mean. Always something up with them, just won't take it easy. Has to be some grand scheme or ultimate plan. Well, I can't hang around here. Got to get back and see what great bleeding Master Plan has failed now.

Mrs G: Like bleeding kids. Just don't sodding learn do they?

Mrs D: No, never do. Anyway I've got to be off - Bye Mrs G.

Mrs G: Bye Mrs. D.

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