The Quest for the Kai

Sex & Spandex II

A Comic Parody of Cosmic Proportions

Script AM Sardar

Illustrations Werner Mueck

Copyright © 2012 by AM Sardar

This book contains some swearing.

* * *

  Table of Contents


Cast of Characters


Wherein the stage is set.

Chapter 1 – The Prophesy of Pedantica
Wherein The Surfer meets the annoying Pedantica and learns of the Kai.

Chapter 2 - Phys Ed. @Mutie High
Wherein the Quest for the Kai begins.

Chapter 3 - Meeting Grotus Squaley
Wherein a vital clue is revealed.

Chapter 4 – Dead stuck in D-Space
Wherein Celestial navigation becomes a problem.

Chapter 5 - The Testing of Tessticulatus
Wherein Gods are mocked and scared beliefs overturned.

Chapter 6 - An Alien Walks into a Bar
Wherein aliens are insulted, domestic animals molested and ill temper runs amok.

Chapter 7 - The Anvil of the Three Suns
Wherein our heroes resume their inept Quest.

Chapter 8 - Revelations: Real & Imagined
Wherein the Quest is completed but not as expected.

Wherein Pedantica recieves her just dues.

Deleted Scenes

Deleted Scene #1: Dr Doom Arrested for Obscene Act

Deleted Scene #2: Fantastic Freakout


Coming Soon

Zenkim Media Publications
   Sex & Spandex : The Secret Lives of Superheroes
   Colin Thorson Teenage Superhero

Comic Character Biographies

* * *


"The Quest for the Kai : Sex & Spandex 2 - A Comic Parody of Cosmic Proportions" is a parody work.

Galactus®, The Silver Surfer®, Bishop®, Baron Zemo®, Cannonball®, Jubilee®, Kitty Pryde®, Karma®, Sunspot®, Magma®, Boom Boom® and Rachel Summers® are registered trademarks of Marvel Entertainment Ltd. This work is not sponsored, endorsed by or affiliated with Marvel Entertainment Company Ltd., Marvel Ltd. or any of its subsidiaries or affiliated companies and/or third-party licensors.

Characters mentioned in the text but not appearing are the property of Marvel Entertainment Ltd.

* * *

Cast of Characters

Galactus : Eternal as the Universe, Cosmic entity cursed with an insatiable hunger only satisfied by the energy of planets. Destroyer of countless civilizations. More...

Mrs Galactus : His hard-working, long-suffering spouse, cursed with a trivial and shrieking tongue. Destroyer of countless conversations.

The Silver Surfer: Cosmically-empowered Alien who is Herald of Lord Galactus & a somewhat mournful soul. More...

Mrs Darkseid : Asthma-suffering wife of the super villain Darkseid, good friend to Mrs Galactus and no one else. Moaner and whinger of Cosmic proportions.

Bishop: Rude, short-tempered aggressive black man from the future, trying to get along in the modern world. More...

Baron Zemo: Repeatedly failing would-be ex-Nazi world-ruler, wears a full-face mask, insanely self-satisfied and opinionated with a reliable tendency to let you down. More...

Pedantica: A Cave dwelling fortune teller, possibly a refugee from the British Royal Family, who could be slightly more helpful in her utterances.

Tessticulatus: A literally minded alien who’s world-view is radically altered when he meets our off-world travellers.

Grotus Squaley: An inveterate speaker and know-all, receptacle for all the dark secrets of the galaxy but stricken with a severe case of verbal diarrhoea.

Penilo & Skrotus Skratchyns : Members of the Maji tribe

Samuel Guthrie/Cannonball: Southern naive soft-spoken tall skinny youth with the ability to fly at jet speeds whilst encased in an invulnerable force field. More...

Jubilation Lee/Jubilee: Young, trusting and immature materialistic girl with power to generate plasma blasts. More...

Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat: Very young and popular girl who always tries to do the best she can, possesses phasing ability which allows her to become intangible. More...

Xi'an Coy Mahn/ Karma: Vietnamese French-speaking athletic girl with the ability to control minds and other weird stuff. More...

Roberto DaCosta/ Sunspot: Soft-spoken, curly-haired, effeminate boy, has the ability to absorb and channel solar power. More....

Amara Aquilla/ Magma: Slight weak fey girl with the ability to generate and control lava. More...

Tabitha Smith/ Boom Boom: Young blonde teenage girl with ability to throw exploding force bombs. More...

Rachel Summers: Daughter of Scott Summers and Jean Grey from the future possessing telepathic and telekinetic powers. More...

* * *


This book is the second volume of collection of writings originally created for various, now defunct, web forums. I have collated and edited these writings into two volumes of work; if you haven’t, I would recommend you read the first volume to see how we got here. In addition my talented colleague Werner Mueck has illustrated it with appropriate artwork.
This is an affectionate tribute, presented as a parody, to comic characters I have enjoyed reading. Superheroes take themselves far too seriously and this is just our little attempt to puncture their over-inflated egos.
A massive thank you to the great creators, writers and artists, and publishing companies, responsible for these characters. Also my thanks to Mark Crompton for his encouragement and enjoyment.
I hope you enjoy this in the spirit it was created in.

Dedicated to Faisal Rauf.

AM Sardar
August 2012

* * *


Lord Galactus is troubled.
An idle thought summons the ever-wistful, and occasionally truculent, Silver Surfer.

Lord Galactus: The heavens are in turmoil! Strange energies flit here and there, just on the edge of my sensors. It is a perplexing and confounding problem. It bodes ill.

He pauses, collecting his vast gigantic ancient thoughts.

Lord Galactus: Find out what's going on, there's a good chap.

Unfortunately the Surfer’s task is somewhat hampered by the loss of his Cosmic surfboard and a less than suitable substitute, a Cosmically-empowered household appliance.
Something that has been noticed by his companions, the Cosmic Nagging Housewives, Mrs’ Galactus and Darkseid.

Mrs D: Why's he got your Ironing Board dear?

Mrs G: Temporary replacement. Lost his own board. LOST YOUR BOARD DIDN'T YOU?? Fell off it when he was drunk, now he can't find it.


Mrs G: Yes, like I said drunk! Drunk as a Wolverine!

Mrs D: Oh, he's not a great conversationalist, is he?

Mrs G: No, he's more of the monologue type. Many a times I've come down the corridor and found him soliloquizing.

Mrs D: I thought you said dear, he couldn't get his underpants off!

Mrs G
No, you Skrull-Shagging Cosmic Tart!
Talking out aloud in a rhetorical manner.

Mrs D: Ohh, I see. And why does he do that?

Mrs G: He's a bitter and tortured soul. YOU'RE BITTER AND TORTURED AREN'T YOU? YES, YOU ARE. YOU KNOW, YOU ARE!

Mrs D: He should come round our place my old man'll show him some real torture, body and soul!!

Mrs G: Mind you, I think he, (looks around & whispers) strokes the asteroid's tail.

Mrs D: Whatever do you mean Mrs G?

Mrs G: You know, (more pointless whispering) bend's the space continuum, works for the solar eruption, (looks around shiftily) fondles the comet's head.

Mrs D: eh?


Mrs D: Oh, that. I know what you mean. They're all at it, these Cosmic Travellers. It's the loneliness of space.

Mrs G: Many a times I've found him, sleeping face-down on his board rhythmically moving his hips. I swear he's drilled a sodding hole in it. That's why he's got rid of it, too embarrassed to walk around with it, a huge surfboard with a sodding hole in it. Fell of it, indeed, hah!

Thus begins the Great Search.

* * *

Chapter 1 The Prophesy of Pedantica


In a dark cave on a miserable wretch of a planet, The Silver Surfer consults Pedantica, the all-seeing Oracle.

Silver Surfer: Oh wise Oracle, you who can see What Will Be..

Pedantica: (Old crackly voice) And What May Not Be.. 

Silver Surfer: And What May Not Be..who...

Pedantica: Depending on the Intricate Play of Infinite Possibilities.

Silver Surfer: ehm, Depending on the Intricate Play of Infinite Possibilities...

Pedantica: But Not Probabilities!

Silver Surfer: What? Oh, Qwarking Tatties! Can we get on?

Pedantica: (She suddenly switches to a perfect upper-class English accent, very much like The Queen of England) Yes, may One assist you with your enquiries? 

Silver Surfer: I have a question!

Pedantica: One was only outlining the difficulties in foretelling the future. It's not like watching the Cathode Ray Tube you know...

Silver Surfer: The question!

Pedantica: Yes, One understands! There’s no need to be impolite. Let One get back into character.

She resumes in a crackly voice again, all trace of her upper class accent gone. She coughs horribly, like a lung cancer patient asking for a cigarette. Finally she speaks.

Pedantica: Ask!

Silver Surfer: I have a question..

Pedantica: You have a (Cough! Cough!) question!

Silver Surfer: My Lord Galactus is troubled.

Pedantica: Your Lord Galactus is (Cough!) troubled.

Silver Surfer: He sees the Heavens in turmoil.

Pedantica: He sees the (Cough! Cough!) Heavens in turmoil.

Silver Surfer: Stop it! Stop repeating what I say. It's very annoying!

Pedantica: (Returning to her upper class accent) One was only clarifying what you said.

Silver Surfer: There's nothing to clarify. Can I ask my question?

Pedantica: Alright, get on with it then.

Silver Surfer: All this stuff? What's causing it?

Pedantica: (Crackly old voice) Yes, that is a question. A question that is. Is that a question? (Pause) Yes, a question is that! 

Silver Surfer: (With supreme anger management control) Can we please get on!

Pedantica: A is that question, is that question a? A that question is, is a that question?

Silver Surfer: You've done all the variations on four fracking words; NOW CAN WE PLEEEEASE GET ON!!!

Pedantica: One more, question that is a! (Surfer slaps her on the head) Oww!

Silver Surfer: (Low growling). Get on with it!

Pedantica: (Old crackly voice again) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you have tried to peer beyond the veil of possibilities...

Silver Surfer: You don't say!

Pedantica: but not probabilities...

Silver Surfer: I'm warning you. You're really trying my patience.

Pedantica: There is confusion in the four winds. The Destroyer is seeking the...

Silver Surfer: The Destroyer? And who is that?

Pedantica: He is the Nameless One!

Silver Surfer: Nameless eh? And what does he look like?

Pedantica: He is also the Faceless One!

Silver Surfer: Faceless eh? And how does he appear?

Pedantica: He Can Not Be Seen.

Nameless, Faceless and Invisible! What the Great Qwarking Chuds
are you on about? Stop orbiting around and get on with it!

Pedantica: (Shamefaced, she reverts to her upper class accent) Oh, you're every rude! As One was articulating the Destroyer is seeking the...oops! (Old crackly voice again) the mists are parting...The Destroyer is seeking...

Silver Surfer: You said that already!

Pedantica: He's seeking the....

Silver Surfer: Yes!

Pedantica: ...the YaaaeWaiaEiooeKaaeYaYaYaNoiWayWay.....(Silence)

Silver Surfer: what?

Pedantica: He's seeking the YaaaeWaia.....

Silver Surfer: I know what you said Great Smouldering Chuds! What does it mean??

Pedantica: (Back to her posh accent) It’s very difficult to translate really! You know, not everything can be translated into English. Did you know the Skrulls have over 200 words for shape? And the Kree have no word for that time just before you eat your dinner but after you've washed your hands.

Silver Surfer: I'm warning you, you're this close to feeling a Cosmic blast up one of your orifices! (Pause) What does the YaaaeWaiaEiooeKaaeYaYaNoiWayWay mean?

Pedantica: Well that means 'One liberally satisfy’s Cosmic poultry'. 

Silver Surfer: What?

Pedantica: You left out a 'Ya'. (Scream as a cosmic blast hits the old woman's crusty ring).

Silver Surfer: I warned you!

Pedantica: My finger! You burnt my finger!

Silver Surfer: I warned you!

Pedantica: (Crackly old voice) The YaaaeWaiaEiooeKaaeYaYaNoiWayWay translates as...

Silver Surfer: Stop the dramatic pauses and get on with it.

Pedantica: It translates as the 'kai'.

Silver Surfer: (Pause) What? (Disbelieving silence) All that 'YaaaWaiWaiWooWooPooPooPaaPaa' translates into 'Kai'? 

Pedantica: (Back to the posh accent) One didn't say that! You're misquoting One!

Silver Surfer: Oh, What the Fracking Tatties did I do to deserve this? (Pause with great cosmic self-restraint) What is the Kai?

Pedantica: It's this thing.

Silver Surfer: Thing? 

Pedantica: Yes, this thing!

Silver Surfer: So, let me get this right, The Destroyer..just a minute, is that his real name?

Pedantica: Uhm.....well....strictly (Pause) One may have made that up! 

Silver Surfer: So, someone...

Pedantica: or something...

Silver Surfer: or something is looking...

Pedantica: seeking...

Silver Surfer: seeking the...

Pedantica: Or searching. (Angry glare from the Surfer) Eh, looking is good!

Silver Surfer: Someone or something is looking for the thing.

Pedantica: Yes. That's it precisely! Absolutely spot on! Well done young man! Would you like a Knighthood? Sir Silver Surfer has a certain panache to it.

Silver Surfer: (Getting up and dismissing her suggestion) Thank you. You've been most helpful. I'll be sure to (hint of a threat) mention it to my Lord Galactus. 

A worried look comes over the old crone.
Outside, waiting for him, are Mrs Galactus & Mrs Darkseid with their Cosmic Star-Crossing Shopping Trolleys.

Mrs G: Ohh, look he's back! What kept you so long in that dingy place? 

Mrs D: Oh, it's ever so dingy! She should brighten it up!

Mrs G: Yes, brighten it up, some magnolia paint on those walls would be very nice. 

Mrs D: Yes, very nice. (Pause) She's not from around here, is she?
No, she's from a very strange place.....England!

Silver Surfer: (Climbing on his Cosmic Ironing Board). She must be the most annoying woman in the entire Universe! Come ladies, we must leave.

Mrs G: Just a moment dear, I've got my trolley handle caught in my knickers.

Mrs D: I told you to ride side-saddle, riding like that you're bound to suffer aggravation of your unmentionables!

Mrs G: Ohh, I should be so lucky! My unmentionables haven't been aggravated for a long time!

Mrs D: Ohhhh, I know what you mean. Mine's like an old canal on Mars! Not a drop of moisture for Eons!

Both: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Mrs G: I'll be glad when the 'change' happens! I'm sick to death of these period pains. They last so long!

Mrs D: I know, I know, can you believe it? A menstruation cycle that lasts a Millennia! What a sodding pain in the arse!

Mrs G: Oh, I now. A thousand years of feeling bloated and irritable!

Mrs D: No dear, that's just because you're a fat miserable Cosmic Cow! Hahahahaha!

Mrs G: Ohhh, you've reminded me Surfy, can we stop someplace on the way? I need to get some sanitary towels! 

Mrs D: Which one's do you use dear? External or internal?

Mrs G: It's the external's for me dear! I need the industrial strength ones. I have periods like the parting of the Red Sea! 

Mrs D: Hmm, I know what you mean! I preferred the internal ones but the old man wouldn't wear it!

Mrs G: He'd look funny with a tampon on his head!

Mrs D: No dear, said I took too long putting them in. Claimed I was enjoying myself too much! Me and enjoyment? That'd be a fine thing!

Mrs G: Ooh, I know what you mean! They're funny like that about women's bits. Anytime it get's leaky or messy down there, they don't want to know.

Mrs D: No, no they don't. Mine's straight off to plan some mad final scheme, locking himself away.

Mrs G: In denial! Complete sodding denial! Mine's the same. When I've got the 'painters in' he banishes me to the guest room!

Mrs D: Men! Complete waste of bleeding time! Don't know what we go through!

Mrs G: I know what you mean! Mine makes such a fuss of eating, imagine if he had periods! You'd never hear the end of it!!

Mrs D: Nope, never! He'd have some mad herald running around proclaiming The Coming of the Great Period, trying to find suitable Cosmic Sanitary Towels! 

Mrs G: Yes, you bet they'd have to be special ones. Only found in some remote corner of the sodding universe, made from finest Agarian Silk Worms threads and harvested by left-handed one-eyed Kree Monks! 

Mrs D: While we make do with old socks!

Both: Men!

Silver Surfer: oh, Cosmic Crusties! And I thought the Oracle was annoying!

They fly off into the stars.

* * *

Chapter 2 Phys Ed. @Mutie High


At X-Mansions the Fighting Skills Intermediate Course is under way.

Bishop: Alright, back to business. Classes are back-up. We're doing (Consulting clipboard) unit EH-71, Basic Hostage-Taking and Negotiating skills. Now, to help us out today and to make it more realistic, we're lucky to have the services of a genuine Super Villain. This guy’s duked it out it with some of the A list super-heroes, so let's have a round of applause for........Baron Zemo. Baron Zemo!

Polite but, distinctly luke-warm clapping.

Baron Zemo: Danke danke. Guten morgen damen und herren!

Bishop: Hey, mac, easy on the Deutsche-sprechen, these kids have enough trouble with English!

Baron Zemo: Ja OK, sure buddy, vat ever you say. Kool!

Bishop: OKaaaay - gonna start with a Q&A for the Baron. Anyone? OK, go ahead.

Boom Boom: Why do you always fight the same super-hero? Doesn't it get boring?

Baron Zemo: It's become a bit personal, you know like a clash of ze teetuns! 

Guthrie - Cannonball: A clash of tits?

Baron Zemo: Teetuns, from Greek mythology. (Turning to Bishop) Don't you educate these kids. I thought this vas a skool!

Kitty Pryde: Why do you wear that mask? Are you deformed like Dr Doom? 

Baron Zemo: Nein, nicht. I am not deformed! I vear die mask fur anonymity. Some people consider me rrrrremarkably handsome.

Magma: Why do you call yourself a Baron? Germany's a democracy now! There's no aristocracy!

Baron Zemo: I have every right to be a Baron, not my fault the German monarchy fell! I'm still the same perrrrrson.

Magma: Sort of like Anastasia! 

Baron Zemo: I'm nothing like ficken Anastasia, that's a stupid ficken karrrrtoon.

Bishop: Waitaminute! Is ficken German for fucking?

Baron Zemo: Ja, you bet your ficken ass!

Bishop: Alright enough of the swearing, we got kids here!

Karma: I have a question. What would you do if you took over the world?

Baron Zemo: Vat wouldn't I do? (He brushes his lips under the mask & nods his head)

Bishop: So you wanna rule the world, eh? What, all of it?

Baron Zemo: Ja, all of it.

Bishop: What, including Afghanistan? With all them Mad Mullahs?

Baron Zemo: Ja, even Afghanistan.

Bishop: What, even Falluja in Baghdad? With all those suicide bombers?

Baron Zemo: Ja, even dat place.

Bishop: What, even Bosnia & Herzogovina?

Baron Zemo:  (Bewildered) Vhere der hell's dat?

Bishop: You want to rule the world and you don't even know all the countries!

Baron Zemo: Who can keep up with all diese pissy little States? It's not a rrrreasonable  expectation. I'm a buzzy man.

Bishop: OK, so what's your timetable for this?

Baron Zemo: Vas? Vat do you mean?

Bishop: Well, when's it going to happen? Next five years? Ten years? Fifteen years? How long you going to give it?

Baron Zemo: Vat's vith diese Stalinist Year plans? It takes as long as it takes baby. Ja?

Bishop: Yes, but you've been at it for sixty years and you haven't achieved anything! Isn't it time to reconsider your occupational choices? And I ain’t yer baby!
Nien Nein! Der Velt Oder Nutink!

Bishop: OK, thanks for that. So, there you have it. A typical Super villain, a complete loser!

Baron Zemo: Hey!

Bishop: Now you know why the good guys like kicking their ass! OK, we're going to do a simulation, work up your negotiating skills. 

Meanwhile in the grounds of the X-mansion.

Silver Surfer: Ladies, would you mind waiting here while I go and see someone. (Indicating a large garden bench)

Mrs D: Have you got a travel rug? This chill is getting to my varicose veins!

Silver Surfer: No, I don't have a rug, I try to travel light.

Mrs D: It's this solar star it's not very warm!

Mrs G: Do you want another one?

Mrs D: Oh, would you? That'd be an awful help. Could you make it a blue flame one, they're ever so pretty at dusk!

Silver Surfer: NO! NO! You mustn't! All this is a delicate eco-system, it couldn't cope with an extra sun. Just wait here and I'll be back shortly.

Mrs G: OK dear, I'll just get on with my knitting.

Mrs D: Oh what are you making dear?

Mrs G: It's a woollen dust cover for my old man's helmet, it's a pain keeping that thing clean. And he wants it nice and shiny all the time!

Both: Typical!

Meanwhile back in the classroom.

Bishop: Can I have two volunteers? A boy and a girl, how about Guthrie and Sunspot?

Sunspot: Hey!

Bishop: Quit moanin’ and git down here! (They come down) OK - scenario is that our Super villain, the Baron here, has taken a hostage, you be the hostage Sunspot, and Guthrie here is going to defuse the situation! Everyone in position? OK, go for it!

Guthrie: Hey dude, how's it hanging?

Baron Zemo: (Confused) Vat der hell's he talking about? 

Sunspot: Hey, not so tight!

Baron Zemo: Quiet or I will shoot you, schweinhund!

Bishop: Come on Guthrie! Get on with it!

Guthrie: Uhm, so, what's your name?

Bishop: You gonna ask him for a freaking date or what? Come on man get to it!

Guthrie: OK - uhm, look I know things ain't worked out the way you wanted them to, but listen (Approaching the Baron) this isn't the way to go. Look, let her go..

Sunspot: Hey!

Guthrie: ...and take me instead. I don't care what happens...(He is now within arms length of the Baron) me.

Baron Zemo: Vell, I don't know, she schmells gut und...

Guthrie: DIE NAZI MUTHERFRACKER!!! (Kicks the Baron in the balls)

Baron Zemo: Ach du liebergott - my balls!! (Falls to the floor clutching his groin) My balls my balls! - he kicked me in sie ficken balls. Ach, mutter-ficken Yankee.

Bishop: What do you expect if you threaten his girlfriend!

Sunspot: Hey!

Baron Zemo: Ach my balls!

Bishop: Quit yer bichtin, yer getting paid by the hour. Alright who's a telepath here? (Rachel Summers puts her hand up) Knock out his pain sensors will ya, so we can continue!

In the garden the Silver Surfer sees Jubilee.

Jubilee: Hi.

Silver Surfer: Hello, I am looking for the man called Bishop, do you know where he is?

Jubilee: He's taking a Phys Ed class now, who are they?

Silver Surfer: They are very powerful sentient beings from another galaxy. You must not, on any account, annoy them. Their power is limitless.

Jubilee: Oh wow!

Silver Surfer: And most importantly, you must not, absolutely must not, engage them in conversation!

Jubilee: Why? Do they have powers like Black Bolt? Can they destroy everything with just the sound of their voice?

Silver Surfer: No, (Dropping his head) they are very, very.....boring! Please stay here and stand guard. I will be back shortly.

Jubilee: What am I guarding them from? 

Silver Surfer: Themselves!

Mrs D: Hello dear, coooeey! Oooooooo, she's a pretty thing!

Mrs G: Who're you waving to dear?

Mrs D: One of those walking insects.

Mrs G: Oh, do you want me to swat it?

Mrs D: No dear, let it be, it's ever so pretty!

Back in the classroom, the lesson continues.

Bishop: You wanna have a go girl; see what you you can do?

Karma: OK, sure Mr Bishop! Uhm, (coughs) ehm...let's see... defuse the situation.
In your time, but like in this freaking millennium!

Karma: OK, here we go. (Coughs and concentrates and then suddenly lunges at the Baron) PUT THE HOSTAGE DOWN MOTHER-FRACKER OR I'LL EAT YOUR FRACKING HEART! DO IT NOW, SHIT-FACE!!

Baron Zemo: Ja, Ja, OK kool it! It's done it's done! Jesus Ficken Christ, vat kind of psychos are you educating??

Bishop: Alright! Outstanding! (Writing on his clipboard, looks up and sees the Silver Surfer standing by the door) Hang on a minute - I'll be right back. (Walking over) What's up Surfy? What's with the Ironing Board?

Silver Surfer:  Uhm, eh, it is best we do not dwell on this. I must speak with you about an urgent ma....(His voice trails away as he sees Baron Zemo standing behind Bishop) Who is the little fat man? 

Bishop: Oh him, he's helping us out in our hostage class. 

Baron Zemo: Guten morgen mein herr? How are you? I am ze Baron  Zemoooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh my balls! (Clutching his balls he falls to the ground again) Schizenkopf! Vat's happening? Der are sehr ficken  painful  again!  Aaaahhhhhh!

Bishop: Rachel!

Rachel: Sorry, I got distracted!!

Silver Surfer: Hmm, Interesting. Lord Galactus has seen the heavens in turmoil and the natural forces of the universe are out of alignment. The Oracle says someone is looking for the Kai. Do you know of such an object?

Bishop: The Kai eh? Never heard of that, but there is the Kay. Could that be it?

Silver Surfer: It may well be, the word Kai is not strictly accurate, (Pause) there was a problem (pause) in the translation. Can you come with me now? There are 'others' with me, they can not be left unattended.

Bishop: Sure, why not? I've taught these kids all I know about kicking people in the gonads!

Baron Zemo: I vill come as well. I shall enjoy an intergalactic adventure. 

Bishop: Oh, no you don't. You just stay here and get your balls kicked in!

Silver Surfer: He may be of use, what powers does he have?

Bishop: He has no powers, just the ability to annoy the hell outta me! (Bishop winks at Rachel).

Baron Zemo: I am a master straaaaahhhh, (Falls to the floor again, clutching his crotch), you schweinhund, you aahhh are ficken doing this...aaaghhh on purpose. I vill not be....aaghhh ficken denied! I am a strategic tactician! Aghhh!

Silver Surfer: What is the matter with him? Why does he keep doing that?? And is he right?

Bishop: Come on, get real, he's a Super Villain; he ain't interested in helping anyone!

Baron Zemo: Nein, nein. Aghhh! I am aghhh, trrrrrryyyyyyying aaagh, to reform. Aghhh! Schizenkopf dis ist aaaaaaghhh, sehr ficken painful. Aghhh!

Silver Surfer: Would it be possible to continue this conversation without him screaming?

Baron Zemo: Ja, Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Nicht, screaming! Shtooooop it!

Bishop: Alright, alright (Waves at Rachel). 

Silver Surfer: I repeat, is he right?

Bishop: Well, (reluctantly) he has a certain rat-like cunning!

Baron Zemo: (Getting up & brushing himself down) Danke schon!

Back in the garden.

Mrs G: Oh look dear, our slave's back with more walking insects!

Mrs D: Hmm, I'm not too keen on the little fat one.

Bishop: What's with the shopping trolleys?

Baron Zemo: Who are diese krrrazy ficken broads?

Silver Surfer: I shall explain later, we must leave. Come ladies, time to go; our quest continues. 

The Surfer's Cosmic Ironing board is somewhat crowded as it flies through the heavens - it has the Surfer standing centre, Bishop sitting on the front, Baron Zemo sitting on the back and a large trunk, with a large Baronial crest, slung underneath.

Bishop: Like I was saying, the Kay was last heard of somewhere in the 3rd Quadrant, near Celestial Prime, that's where we gotta go.

Silver Surfer: If it is Celestial Prime then we need to speak to Grotus Squaley!

Baron Zemo: Wow, I can't believe zit! I'm actually going on ze intergalactic adventure. (Pause) Herr Surfer, vhy are you using an Irrrroning Board?

Bishop: Stop bothering the Surfer willya, freaking Nazi! 

Baron Zemo: Stop dat! I am not a Nazi! Dis is a total lie! An outrageous slur! I am an officer of ze Vehrmacht! 

Bishop: Yeah, yeah! Shut the frack up or I'll kick you offa the board, turn you into a freaking Kraut Comet!

They fly off into the stars.

* * *